Being a Butterfly in Chiang Mai

After a few intense weeks, I’ve experienced some quite emotional moments. My friends, who kept extending their stay in Chiang Mai by changing their plans multiple times, have now started leaving one by one. Amidst the declarations of “this is our last drink, our last meal, our last dance,” I had to bid farewell to each of them. Although I don’t feel lonely yet as new people keep coming and going every day, the disbandment of our small gang and the possibility of never reuniting is quite disheartening.

It all started with Martina’s departure when she said she was going to retreat into a monastery, followed by Adam’s return to Bangkok.

Last Friday, we struggled a bit with Kevin’s departure. But when Steve and Hal also left, the city began to feel utterly empty, I won’t lie.

Max has been talking about the same story for days. “You are all like butterflies in my life, coming in, having fun, making me love you, and then leaving me here alone.” I think I understand what he means now. Being a true traveler probably requires this – entering someone’s life, leaving them all alone, and moving on. Eventually, we and they start anew with someone else every day. Our initial heartaches heal again. Then, once more, it’s time for goodbyes. Who knows how exhausting this would be in real life? But right now, it feels like we’re in a surreal story. Our vulnerabilities and recoveries happen so quickly. I guess it’s because we set out on this journey knowing it would be like this. As we say, if we were afraid of iron, we wouldn’t board the train.

When Jade left last week, we thought we would never see her again. But, lo and behold, she could only endure our absence for three days. I can’t describe how happy I was when I saw her at the hostel in the morning. It’s a testament to the strength of the bonds we form and the impact we have on each other. Her facial expressions that emerge when she starts speaking English with her broken French, her passion when talking about food, and her incredibly slim waist despite being such a foodie – I honestly feared I might hurt her when hugging her.

This morning, I woke up to two beautiful messages: Adam had returned to the city, and Martina was on her way to see us one last time before leaving the country. She’s trying to persuade me to go to Laos with her, but I don’t think I’m ready to leave Thailand yet. However, as long as we’re on the road, I’m sure we’ll meet again somewhere.

Everyone and everything seem to be within a small circle. Everyone you meet on the road invariably knows someone else you’ve met before. When I met Adam and we were chatting, we realized we had met the same people in Bangkok. When talking to Pedro, I found out he had run into Kaya in the south of the country, and Jade had coincidentally met Giorgina in Pai. It’s both enchanting and a small trick of the universe on how people with the same energy are drawn to each other.

This week, I think I need to decide to leave my cocoon as well. Otherwise, I’ll end up feeling like Max all the time. Although bonding with so many people is wonderful, I know it’s not what I want in the long run. I’m still torn between settling here and continuing on the road. Let’s see if the butterfly can fly.

 

20 MAY 2022

Chiang mai, Thailand

Turkısh below : Click here